An Investment, Not the Money Type.

Yes. Exactly this.

This is something that I feel everyone struggles with. It seems like when I ask people, "How are you?" Everyone always responds with, "BUSY!" Busy? Busy doing what? In my group of friends it seems to boil down to two things, work & kids.

"I have this huge project at work & I've been pulling 16 hour days! I don't even have time to take a lunch break!" Uh. I'd die if I didn't eat, not to mention be extremely cranky.

"{Daughter} has dance tonight and Wednesday, gymnastics on Thursday and soccer practice on Tuesday with a double header on Saturday morning." Overachiever. HA! But really? that's a crazy busy schedule for one kid!

"{Daughter} was up crying all night, and now I'm functioning on no sleep and I have 4 meetings today at work!" This, sucks. Sorry. :(

"{Son} is on the move and I can't take my eyes off of him! {Husband} is working long hours, so it seems like I never get a break!" Welcome to being a mom of a boy, wait until he's running... and you can barely catch him....

{But really, I at the very least empathize with all of you. For real. I also toast to you for keeping up with that busy of a life, I'd lose my mind.}

Do any of these sound familiar? Is it something you've heard? Is it something you've said? Yeah, me too. It seems like everyone is always go, go, go these days.

I ask you, how many times a week do you sit down as a family and eat dinner? (even if it's takeout or pizza?!?) How often does your entire family go to the park? Or simply outside to kick around the soccer ball, together?

This is always a struggle here too & I'm even a stay at home mom for the most part! I make an attempt to have dinner as a family 3 times a week. Actually using our dining room table. And a family activity that doesn't involve the television (or other families) once a week.

Sidenote: Family dinners. This was something we did as a family every. single. night. growing up. I have no idea how my mom managed it. It was come home from school, homework, then dad came home and BOOM! dinner appeared and we all sat down. Granted, we ate a little earlier than my friends did so that we could all eat together, but it was together. We'd talk about our days & any upcoming events we had going on. Looking back, although I thought it was silly at the time, it is now something I'll always cherish.

So you start making time for your family, and you're doing all these things together. Feeling pretty proud of how close you've become and how great everything is going. But you're still stressed, still feel like you're being pulled in 30 directions and that you're constantly being rushed.

When was the last time you took time for YOU?

I would bet, especially if you have kids, that you couldn't name ten things you enjoy doing that doesn't involve doing for someone else. I know I can't. So, start with 3, then figure out five, and so on. What about things you'd like to learn? What haven't you tried that you'd like to? What would you like to get better at??

I think that many of us get lost in the craziness of life that we forget about ourselves. We rush through everything, we don't eat right, we don't exercise like we should, we're not taking care of ourselves because we're too busy taking care of everyone & everything else. And that's ok! It's life. Some people like the craziness and being busy. Personally, I always used to say that I functioned better under pressure and in a world of chaos. Then, I turned 30. And things changed.

(FYI: there will be an upcoming blog about just how to make time for exercise & how to make a healthier lifestyle work for you, that will be written by a guest blogger! Because GOD knows I haven't figured this out yet! {especially the exercise part...I only run if I'm being chased...} It's one that I'm very excited to share with you!)

I challenge you today, to make a list of things you enjoy, then, find time at least once a week to do one of those things. Even if it's only for 15 minutes.

It was a challenge I made to myself in January of this year. Make time for me. As many of you know, I lost my mom to cancer in January. She was only 54 years old. (Barely 54.) It was a HUGE wakeup call for me. Life is too short. FAR too short. I need to take time for me. I need to make myself a priority. Before I run out of time. {It has also resulted in me sometimes eating dessert first...} So, although it's a work in progress. I'm working on it. I will continue to work on it.

I'll share with you my lists so far & please! If you know them, share yours back! Maybe we can work on things as a team! Hold each other accountable!

My list of 5 things I enjoy:
1. Reading - I try and take at least an hour out of my day to read something that I like. Leisure reading.
2. Time with friends - at least once a month I leave my family at home and go out with my girlfriends. I have an amazing group of them. They're not appreciated nearly enough & I need to make time for them because they make my life (and my sanity) better.
3. Painting - This is something I've always enjoyed but rarely made time for. I'm trying to get back in the habit & have found that if I give C-man a brush and some paper he's quiet for a while!
4. Photography - This went from hobby, to career for me very quickly. I am getting back to the hobby part of it. Don't get me wrong, it never felt like 'work' for me. It was always fun, but taking photos of my kid doing what he does on a daily basis is enjoyable for me. So, I'm doing that. I'm reinventing my style and it feels great.
5. Biking - I am looking forward to nice weather & plan to do this more often this year. Sometimes with C-man, sometimes without.

& blogging, so I hope you all continue reading & giving me a reason to!

Things I want to learn:
1. Cooking - it is no secret I am a horrible cook. I can bake, but cooking has always been tough for me. I'd like to make this a healthy lifestyle change, but I'm gonna just work on learning to operate the oven/stove first.
2. Sewing - I have NO idea how I'm going to learn this, but I want to. I suppose Pinterest will be my teacher!
3. Dance - I'd really like to take a dance class. It just looks fun!

Do I manage to do these things as often as I want? Do I think that all of these will be a continuing thing for the rest of my life? Uh. Probably not. The things will change and evolve as I get older I'm sure. But I can promise you one thing, I don't think I'll ever go back to devoting 24/7 to other people. It'll be more like 23/7 and I'll take an hour for myself. :)

Now, I'm sure some of you have read this and are shaking your head and thinking that this is a selfish thing, and that I chose to get married and have a family. You're right, I did. But why does that make me any less important? If anything, it's more important to take that time to take care of me, so I can take care of them. I love my family, I love spending time with them. But taking a break once in a while makes me a better wife, mother, simply a better person. There's a reason that at most jobs you get an additional break to your lunch break. It's been PROVEN that you're more efficient. Shouldn't life be the same way? I think so.

We're only given one life, one body and one mind. The only person that can care for those things is ourselves. We can't expect anyone else to do it.

So I ask, What have you done for you lately?

Long, steamy, hot shower, where did you go....??

If you're a parent, you're already laughing and nodding in agreement. If you're not, and are planning to be, you may want to stop reading now. Otherwise, read on my brave, naïve friend.

Remember those blissful days of the hot steaming shower rhythmically massaging your back and scalp? You would stand in that shower until the hot water began to run cold. Or was it just me??

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Remember before children getting to go out with friends at night or going to see a movie and to dinner, oh a whim? Not having to schedule things out a month in advance? No worries, it's pretty vague for me too.

I remember thinking when I got pregnant, "Oh! This isn't going to be so bad, I mean, sure I'll have to plan things out, but I'll still do all the things I'm doing now." How I'd like to go back in time and smack that girl across the face and tell her to wake up!

Granted, *almost* five years later it's not so terrible now. But up until this point? Oiy.

In the early days the husband started to do the grocery shopping. (Which is something that has continued!) Why? Because I stayed up all night with our colicky, acid refluxed, wailing monster that couldn't poop. Who continued to cry and vomit all day long, and honestly, some days I was lucky if I showered. (Or showered once every 3 days, if we're being completely honest...) My capris didn't fit and my feet had grown a size as well and leaving the house wasn't something that I wanted to do.

I developed a Casper-esque tan. (Or lack there of...) I had a bad case of what the doctors deemed the 'baby blues'....but getting ahead of myself here...

While I was pregnant, I remember in the birthing classes them telling you to make a 'birth plan', I laughed. My plan? Get the baby out the safest way possible, oh and don't you dare put that slimy, nasty, messy, thing on my stomach as soon as it comes out of my lady bits. That's disgusting. Luckily, I needn't worry because after nearly 32 hours of labor, I ended up in a C-section because unbeknownst to the doctors my 9lb 7oz baby boy was face up and stuck. Stellar. So, in the exhausted state I was in, they wheeled me to the operating room and 'delivered' my bundle of joy. I remember glancing across the room while they cleaned him up, they brought him over to me, approx. 2 inches from my face, um, I'm not blind people. Back it up. Then, that was it, they whisked him away, I looked at my husband and in my freshly discovered (yup, it happens this quick) 'mom tone', "do NOT let him out of your sight!"

After three days of greeting visitors and being catered to we came home. A few days after that my mom left. Because, I "needed to do this on my own." Survival mode doesn't even begin to cover it. I was barely surviving. To those on the outside, everything was peachy. If you lived under my roof, you knew that things were far from peachy and bordering on something out of a M. Night Shyamalan/Hitchcock movie. I was a nightmare to be around.

Baby blues??

My ass.

Post Partum Depression is a topic not many talk about, mostly because as mothers we've taught ourselves to be ashamed of these types of things. Everything is supposed to be happy and perfect and sunshine and rainbows. You have this healthy, adorable, yummy smelling (in a not creepy way at all), creature that depends on you for it's every need. It's supposed to be blissful. You're supposed to glow with motherhood.

Bullshit I say. Complete. and utter. bullshit.

Being a new mom SUCKS. You're sleep deprived. Your husband is not exactly the dad that you envisioned in your head (although in his defense, he's probably trying his best). You don't recognize your body. You have all these feelings because your hormone motherboard has been given a shock straight from the center rings of Hades. I'm here to tell you, it's ok. It's ok to feel these things. 14% of us do. (It may not seem like a big number, but again, these are the women willing to admit that they have feelings of depression. I think that this number is actually a lot higher. But for the sake of this blog, we're going to stick to the statistics.)

What is post partum? Basically, if you have any form of negative thoughts or thoughts harming your baby, your spouse, your nanny, our mailman (just because he's male) and yes, even yourself, it's that. Among MANY other things. (The Mayo Clinic does a good job at describing the symptoms, you can see those here.) I'm not a doctor, or a scientist, or anything of the sort, so I won't go into all this...but I encourage you to check out the link and educate yourself. Also, have those living with you educate themselves, because you may not recognize how far down the rabbit hole you've gone.

The hard part is admitting it, and the even harder part? DOING something about it. I remember going to my OBGYN (whom happens to be male and at that point I loathed everything with a penis above the age of 3 months) for my 6 week post check-up. I said to him, because I'm a to the point kind of person, "I think I may need some drugs." He turned and looked at me like I had 3 heads. "For what exactly? Are you still having pain?" Um, you just basically severed me in half, what do you think, duh. But that wasn't what I was after, the pain made me still feel like I was human. "A bit, but not drugs for that, I think I might have post partum depression." Now, admitting that is CRAZY (no pun intended) hard. I can not even tell you. "What makes you think that?" Are you effing kidding me? You think I haven't read about it? "Um...Sometimes I think about slitting my wrists in the shower, but don't because I'm never sure when my husband will be home and I don't want my son to go uncared for. I also sometimes sit in a pile of freshly vomited baby formula and cry right along with him because I feel like I'm a failure as a mother because I simply can't make him stop crying. He cries all the time. How did I not know that babies cry that much? Should they cry that much? I can't believe he's growing with how much he pukes all over everything..." After I verbally vomit all this (and much much more) on him, he looks at me. "Have you talked to his pediatrician about his vomiting?" At this point I kind of want to kick him. For real. Instead, I ignore his question. "Sometimes I get so upset I can't even breathe." .... .... ... "Well, it sounds like you're having some anxiety along with a bit of depression. So we will certainly give you something to help take the edge off. But I think you should talk to his pediatrician about his vomiting."

A BIT OF DEPRESSION?!??!?! I just told him I thought about slitting my wrists and the only reason I didn't was because I was worried about my puking, vomiting, crying bundle of joy wasn't going to be cared for.

"At least you're worried about that."

That appointment will always be with me. It was awkward, uncomfortable, infuriating and embarrassing. And it shouldn't have been. It happens. Remember? Motherboard, shocked? It's NOT your fault. You did NOTHING wrong, it doesn't make you less of a person, a horrible mother, none of these things.

This is something that should ALWAYS be covered in follow up appointments, your doctor (in my opinion anyway) should ASK you how you're feeling. Not just physically. In my OBGYN's defense, I'm a pretty hard to read person, and even those closest to me are probably reading this post (even though I've said quite a few times in conversations that I was, and I quote, 'batshit crazy' after I had my son) and are a bit surprised by it.

This is something that we should feel comfortable talking about, if not with each other, at the very least with those closest to us, and more importantly with our doctors. Let's stop making it so taboo!

If you need help, get it. Period. Do not feel like you've failed if you need medication to get yourself there. It's ok. I promise. Even if you're someone who hates taking pills of any sort, (remember that being severed in half? I left the hospital on over the counter Tylenol. Yeah. Bad ass or dumb ass? Not sure at this point.) sometimes we need that extra help. And that's ok. It's perfectly normal, and no one is judging you for it. And if they are? Screw 'em. Seriously. Then, tell me where they live so I can go egg their house for being an asshole.

Eventually, it does get better, your body goes back to (somewhat) normal (it's a work in progress), your hatred of things of male origin subside, your baby starts to sleep through the night and your bundle of joy becomes just that. Absolute joy. Just wait for the first smile, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Your life begins to get easier. You don't have to lug 3 bags of baby gear with you for a walk around the block. (OH SHUT UP, you KNOW you did it too... :) ) Your friends start to have babies too, then you get to have play dates, and eventually you stop having to follow your child as they climb on the jungle gym at the park. You get to sit with your friends and drink coffee and talk, just like the old days.

The steaming hot showers?? I'm still waiting for the return of those. In the mean time, I've perfected mine to 5 minutes. Shaving and all. It's my son's favorite part of the day, it's when he gets to watch his favorite 1/2 hour show. (About the only time the television is on at our house.)

If you, or someone you love is possibly suffering from PPD, please talk to your doctors, or call: 1-800-PPD-MOMS

The Dreaded 6 Letter Word....CHANGE.

It's amazing how something as simple as change can cause so much panic. Utter the word and many people start shifting in their seats, give you the stink eye, or quite possibly run for the hills.

But it comes anyway. Even when we do everything we possibly can to prevent it.

The last year has been full of change for me. I decided to stop photographing weddings, I have cut back on all photography actually. I did all this initially to spend more time with family. Then, my world turned upside down. I lost my mom to another six letter word, a much more evil six letter word, cancer. It rocked, tilted, and skewed the world before my eyes. It was a change my family was not ready for. A change a year ago I would have never saw coming. But came it did.

We are still finding ourselves adjusting, and we will continue to adjust for a long time. It's a process... Or so they tell me.

This upcoming year is also going to hold change for me. My BABY turns five. My baby will be a baby no longer. It's been a slow change, but for some reason five feels so BIG. He's also going to be headed to school full time. A kindergarten readiness program - a step up from pre-k, designed for the young five year old! It's the perfect fit for him, he's excited, I'm excited. I'm also petrified. My BABY will be gone all. day. long. I will have six and a half hours to myself every. single. day. Sounds like a dream to many, blissful silence every day, hours to spend how you want to... But to someone who thrives in being busy, seeks out things to do, this is a nightmare.

So, what am I to do? It seemed like a good time to start seriously thinking about blogging. I blogged throughout my mom's sickness and found it therapeutic. Once she was gone, and the need for blogging stopped, I felt like something was missing. I was missing that connection without having to actually connect. I have talked to a few people about my blogging again and I have many supporters, to those people, I'd like to say THANK YOU. Your support means the world to me. To newcomers, HI!

I have this dream of being some crazy famous blogger. Of being one of those people that is read and causes laughter and tears. I want to be one of those people that causes others to think.

Now, not all of the posts will be about me, or be full of emotion, or even be written by me necessarily. (I'm thinking of having guest bloggers too!)  But they will capture you, I will share what anchors, teaches, perplexes (I'm confused by nature, so this could potentially be 80% of posts!), motivates (or doesn't...), hungers (besides everything...I am the woman with the incredible growing waistband!), scares & inspires me. They will have my snark, sarcasm, and be dripping with personality.

So come and be a little less afraid of change with me. It isn't always a horrible thing.